For the past few weeks, Scott and I have been catching up on the 5th season of House. We saw the second episode way back when we were in Australia, and we haven’t seen any more, because it’s on Sky 1 now instead of Channel 5, and we’re too cheap to pay for TV. In any case, if you haven’t seen the full season, stop reading, because I’m about to talk about a pretty damn big spoiler.

Last night, right before we turned on episode 20 (Simple Explanation), I was talking about how Kutner was my favorite character (for various reasons, one of which was his reference to Harry Potter a few episodes previous, confirming his status as a lovable, clever dork. Just my type. I’m not going to lie, I had a little crush on him.) I think the coincedence of timing is probably half the reason I was so affected by what I saw next.

No other character in the show saw the suicide coming, and how could they? The absolute last thing I expected to be watching was Kutner in a pool of his own blood 5 minutes after I was singing his praises. And it REALLY shook me. I’ve been thinking about it ever since. (I’ve had a lot of time to. All I did today was paint the windows.) I even had some weird dreams about it.

I’ve been trying to figure out why it’s affected me much more than I’d ever expect the death of a fictional character to. I mean, yes, I cry when I read pretty much every Harry Potter book from 4 on. Every time. But that’s about an 8 year personal connection to an epic story that I read during a great period of change in my life. I really like House. It’s a great show. Probably my favorite. But I never thought I’d freak out about it like this. And for a character I’ve only known for about a year that hasn’t been nearly as big a part of my life as Harry Potter has.

Maybe it’s the unexpectedness of it. Maybe I’m freaked out that someone I know could easily be suffering without anyone’s knowledge and I don’t want to think they would be capable of such a thing without any prior indication. Maybe it’s that Kutner reminds me of someone I used to know. Maybe it’s just because I liked the guy.

There hasn’t been a lot of death in my life. My grandfather died, but it wasn’t completely unexpected. I miss him, and I wonder what it would be like if he was still around. I wish he could have seen me graduate from college. But he had been having problems for a long time, so it was sad, but it wasn’t really a shock. My dog died last year, and I’m still upset about that, but he was also old for a dog and had the problems that come along with that, so I had been dreading that phone call from my parents silently, in the back of my mind, for a long time. More than anything, I was upset that I wasn’t around to say goodbye.

I’ve been lucky to go over 25 years without any sudden, unexpected loss in my life, and maybe that’s why I’m so shaken. I haven’t been completely unprepared for something like this, and I think last night I got a taste of what it would be like if I was. And it’s scary.